Dear Fur-Children
Author Unknown

Dear Fur-Children,

When Mom says to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions so that you are still in the way.
Your brown eyes will not win you the best seat in the
house. Just because Mom went to get a glass of water
doesn't mean you have next dibs on her seat.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle
of Mom's plate and food does not stake your claim for
it becoming your food and dish, nor does Mom find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating Mom to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping Mom doesn't help, because Mom falls
faster than you can run. So don't complain when your
paw or tail gets injured. Mom's cast is a far more
serious result of your need to go fast.

Mom cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed.
She is very sorry about this. Do not think Mom will
continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs sleeping; they can actually
curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep
perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. Mom also knows that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy
sarcasm.

When Mom is working on the computer, jumping up and
trying to grab the mouse through the glass is not
helpful. Barking at Mom because she's not helping you
achieve your goal does not win you any extra brownie
points.

Mom's compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, and try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. Mom must
exit through the same door she entered. In addition,
Mom has been using bathrooms for years, canine
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss Mom, go smell other dog's
butt. Mom cannot stress this enough. It would be such
a simple change for you guys to make.

Lastly, please do not drag your butt on the carpet,
and if you must puke then look for the linoleum, and
if you have a butt cling-on do not hide under the bed,
and if you must eat Kleenex eat it all, don't leave
the bits of wet small gobs all over the house....and
if I catch you with my best lace undies on your head
one more time you become a permanent OUTDOOR dog.
That means more shots for you and a dingy little
house, no bed, and none of the lovely privileges you
have already granted yourself.

Much love to you my good buddy. It helps that you are
a perfect listener when it doesn't involve anything
you have done. That you share your body heat
unconditionally. That you seem to have a permanent
grin. That your eyelids flap when you hang your head
out the car window. That you have a strength and
endurance I can only envy. And that you have taught me
that there is a time to work a time to play and a time
to rest. Dogs really are a best friend, and I swear
you understand every word I say.

Love Mom