Dog Owners Fitness Program


You've seen those ads on TV promising amazing results from all sorts of
contraptions. Well, there's no need to invest in fancy equipment. If you
have (or can borrow) a dog, you have everything you need to get in shape
now!!! The following exercises can (and will) be done anywhere, anytime.

Inner Thighs: Place the dog's favorite toy between thighs. Press tighter
than the dog can pull. Do not attempt bare legged - dogs who favor
shortcuts to success will just dig the toy out. You could be damaged.

Upper Body Strength: Lift the dog - off the couch, off the bed, out of
the flower bed. Repeat, repeat, repeat. As the dog ages, this exercise
is reversed - onto the couch, onto the bed, into the car and so on.

Balance and Coordination: Exercise 1: Remove your puppy from unsuitable
tight places. If they're too small for him, they're certainly too small
for you. Do it anyway!

Exercise 2: Practice not falling when your dog bounds across the full
length of the room, sails through the air, and slams both front paws
into the back of your knees.

Exercise 3: (for use with multiple dogs) Remove all dogs from lap and
answer the phone before it stops ringing.

Exercise 4: (alternate) For older dogs, attempt to cross a room without
tripping over the dog. Get off your couch without crushing any part of a
sleeping elderly dog.

Upper Arms: Throw the ball. Throw the squeaky toy. Throw the Frisbee.
Repeat until nauseous.

Upper Arms: (alternate) Tug the rope. Tug the pull toy. Tug the sock.
Repeat until your shoulder is dislocated or the dog gives up (we all
know which comes first).

Hand Coordination: Remove foreign object from locked jaw. This exercise
is especially popular with puppy owners. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
Remember, this is a timed exercise. Movements must be quick and precise
(think concert pianist) to prevent trips to the vet, which only offer
the minimal exercise
benefit of jaw firming clenches.

Calves: After the dog has worn out the rest of your body, hang a
circular toy on your ankle and let the dog tug while you tug back.
WARNING: This is feasible only for those with strong bone and small
dogs.  Have you taken your calcium supplement today?

Calves: (alternate) Run after dog - pick any reason, there are plenty.
Dogs of any size can be used for this exercise.  Greyhounds are
inadvisable.

Neck Muscles: Attempt to outmaneuver the canine tongue headed for your
ear, mouth, or eyeball. This is a lifelong fitness program. A dog is
never too old or too feeble to "French Kiss" you when you least expect
it.